blurred ka, pards!

i have been staring at my computer's screen for the last five hours trying to figure how i should start this. i didn't want to write another one of my emo shit. i just wanted to write. but to write i need to feel what i'm writing about. and what i feel is this emo shit. so goes the circle until i figured i'd just start typing until it gets me somewhere. and right now, the tracks lead me to that emo shit.

hai.

that's how i spell that now. it's the "sigh" of text messaging. i used to just say *sigh* but somehow he got me into saying it that way, too. "he" is ben. and he is blurred. in tagalog, malabo. i can go to lengths as to how and why he is but it all boils down into one thing -- i'm more "blurred" than he is.

i thought i wanted to fall for someone. i used to say i don't care if it hurts, at least i feel alive. typical hopeless romantic, i know. i wish i didn't say that. how very murphy's law it was that i really started to care for him and tells me he's not there with me. oh joy. why does it seem like the universe have conspired to make me care for someone who wouldn't feel the same way about me and not the ones who would? happens every time. and it wasn't just with him -- jay, rowen, rick (i can't believe i'm writing about this. this will definitely be private. haha).

the sad part is i've committed myself to waiting. he said i didn't have to. i said i would anyway. how can i not? when i open my eyes in the morning he comes creeping in my head with his goofy grin and that stupid do. when i eat, i wonder if he had his. when i puff out the smoke of my cigarette, i would think of the way he smokes his. and when my head hits the pillow at night (or very early in the morning), i'd say goodnight to an imaginary face of his plastered in my pillow and kiss it. and i would remember his kiss. he wasn't even good at it but damn it, i wish i could have his lips again.

i am hopelessly in love.

pathetic. blurred. malabo.

i guess it's true what they say. love is indeed blind. or maybe not. i'd like to think love sees... and just learns to accept it. it's not blind, the bad things things are just covered with thick haze. kaya blurred, pards..