emo no more

it's over, the relationship i worked so hard on becoming a part of. surprisingly, it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. in fact, it barely does.

funny. i can't think of a reason why i would work on it so hard and only be too acquiescent to let go. oh i was in love... i think. and would have gladly stuck with the program had he not suggested it. but he did. just after a day of being together. and i was just the one to say, "okay, let's!" i haven't even had the chance to change my facebook profile to "in a relationship."

maybe i've seen it coming. i knew it was all wrong from the beginning. it felt right... but it also felt wrong. for one it wasn't as romantic as i thought it would be, the way we got together. me, being the hopeless romantic and a fan of chick flicks, thought of flowers and shit and some lengthly conversation in a place only we know about. but it didn't. it started with a "try natin..." over a cup of cheap, tasteless tea. in my head i thought, "this is not happening like this." but i wanted it however it's going to happen.

and it did. did being the operative word.

i care. but maybe i should care in another way. it shouldn't matter how. what matters is that i do. even if it's from afar. and i will. after all, feelings don't die with the days, it just takes another form.

blurred ka, pards!

i have been staring at my computer's screen for the last five hours trying to figure how i should start this. i didn't want to write another one of my emo shit. i just wanted to write. but to write i need to feel what i'm writing about. and what i feel is this emo shit. so goes the circle until i figured i'd just start typing until it gets me somewhere. and right now, the tracks lead me to that emo shit.

hai.

that's how i spell that now. it's the "sigh" of text messaging. i used to just say *sigh* but somehow he got me into saying it that way, too. "he" is ben. and he is blurred. in tagalog, malabo. i can go to lengths as to how and why he is but it all boils down into one thing -- i'm more "blurred" than he is.

i thought i wanted to fall for someone. i used to say i don't care if it hurts, at least i feel alive. typical hopeless romantic, i know. i wish i didn't say that. how very murphy's law it was that i really started to care for him and tells me he's not there with me. oh joy. why does it seem like the universe have conspired to make me care for someone who wouldn't feel the same way about me and not the ones who would? happens every time. and it wasn't just with him -- jay, rowen, rick (i can't believe i'm writing about this. this will definitely be private. haha).

the sad part is i've committed myself to waiting. he said i didn't have to. i said i would anyway. how can i not? when i open my eyes in the morning he comes creeping in my head with his goofy grin and that stupid do. when i eat, i wonder if he had his. when i puff out the smoke of my cigarette, i would think of the way he smokes his. and when my head hits the pillow at night (or very early in the morning), i'd say goodnight to an imaginary face of his plastered in my pillow and kiss it. and i would remember his kiss. he wasn't even good at it but damn it, i wish i could have his lips again.

i am hopelessly in love.

pathetic. blurred. malabo.

i guess it's true what they say. love is indeed blind. or maybe not. i'd like to think love sees... and just learns to accept it. it's not blind, the bad things things are just covered with thick haze. kaya blurred, pards..

somthing Hanes.

It's the cold. There's something about a cold wind that makes one vulnerable to some emotions you wouldn't think exist on a warm night.

Between the sheets where you're all curled up and your body warm, the cold wind outside somehow still find it's way into your gut. Then you shiver. It's the kind of cold your cup of coffee couldn't drive off and your sweaters could keep out. The kind you can't puff out with a cigarrete smoke. Colder than the other side of the pillow. It's the maddening feeling of emptiness.

So then you start thinking about the one thing that could make the cold go away. That something... that someone... cozily tucked in his bed while you try to fight off the cold with thoughts and hopes that one day he will come around. The waiting is killing you but you do it anyway. You feel like it's your duty although nobody put you on the job but yourself. But you couldn't quit because you want him to feel that you're waiting because you're hoping that he will realize that and then come to. So you wait.

Hopefully.

And you wrap yourself with a blanket and curl up in a ball. Cold.

buckle up

it gets tiring after the first hour, this waiting. but that's alright, what's another thousand more?

"Poof!"

A "Poof!" then it becomes nothing.

There goes another one. A relationship I once knew to be so sweet and perfect and it all ended with a sound effect from a cereal commercial. For the record, it's not mine. Because I haven't got any to begin with.

I do not understand people. While here I am still waiting to be whisked away into happy ever after, some people are already coming back faster than you could say round-trip ticket. What is so wrong with happy ever after that after sometime, people throw it all away. Whatever is happening to "...and they live happily ever after. The End.?" Has the prince's castle been blown away by the big bad wolf? Has his moat been overflowing and starting drown you? Or perhaps the Queen of Hearts hasn't approved of you?

It irks me that I could only ask. I hate not knowing.

Although knowing it would also make me hate.

I'm getting impatient waiting here on my glass coffin for someone to kiss me and show me my happily ever after. So impatient, in fact that I have already awoken out of excitement without being kissed. I am getting ahead of myself, perhaps. 

If they don't show up soon, i will break these glasses and walk myself alone into that happily ever after and I don't care if walking tires me. Because when I get there I can get all the rest I can get. I only got myself a one-way ticket.

compromise

funny how we can't drink and breath at the same time. i know the science of it but that doesn't make it less amusing.

am-blog-saimo!

i am surrounded by people who are in relationships -- some are happy, some are extremely happy but most are tired and want to call it quits. 

when it comes to relationships, when do we rise the white flag?

hey maybe that can be my poll question for my show tomorrow. but for the sake of doing something at 1:46 AM (Manila Time), i'll speculate on some answers.

speculate because i know nothing of the matter first-hand. well, maybe i do. but a 5-day relationship can hardly be considered as one. not by me. so...

/...

/...

Isn't love everything when it comes to relationship? People may disagree on that but the way I see it, love has with it everything else, the recipes and ingredients for a happy ever after story -- trust, respect, sugar, spice and everything nice. Loosing one ingredient makes the concoction different. it's like playing Xanga, one wrong block and the tower falls over.

when it comes to surrendering, i guess it's safe to say that the safest you can say adios to a relationship is when the tower falls over, i mean when love is gone. that's idealistic, i know. some people stay in a relationship because of mere convenience or worse, the dough. how i pity them. it's worse than being single. 

say goodbye when it is time to say goodbye. this is the one situation where "kung may tiaga, may nilaga" does not apply. be strong enough to know when to let go. holding on may just drag you both down. until you get sucked into a vortex and you end up in Dalmasca being chased by the Imperial Guards sent by the Consul and you end up joining Vaan's party. WTFF12! I'm not making sense anymore.

but whether you let go or stay, be firm. it's gonna be shit. you should have known that before you entered the relationship. but it'll be over. don't worry, you get a "BE EMO" pass for a week.

after a week and you're still not okay, then WHY THE F DID YOU DO IT?!