they don't come with an off switch

Mothers. Need I say more? I didn't think so. But for the sake of having this a little more lengthy, let me... put on a little more length.

1 When I moved out of our house when I was seventeen, mum didn't move out of mine. She was not around but she's still everywhere. Like her phone calls or text messages never cease. Every hour she's asks how I'm doing. Same with the last hour, mum.

2 When she comes over, she wakes me up from a very good sleep and asks me if I do drugs.

3 She asks me to sleep in the evening. I work graveyard.

4 She tells me I'm skinny. Everyone in my family is.

5 She asks me if I have a girlfriend. She knows I'm gay.

6 She thinks I hate family get togethers. Well, she's right about that.

7 She always asks me to get a haircut. Not gonna happen.

Despite all that, she's the woman I love the most. It's frustrating hearing things coming from her over and over again but you'll get used to it. She doesn't come with an off switch. I guess all mother are manufactured that way.

Thank God.

ask a little piece of joseph

I've been checking on my Friendster and found some people. No, they weren't lost. We just haven't seen each other in a while and i miss them. There's one person I miss the most. His name is Joseph. Let me tell you about him.

Although his name is very biblical, there's absolutely nothing religious about him. At least I don't think so. Maybe it's the diablo-looking horn inside his bedroom that give it away, I don't know. Maybe it's the respectable collection of movies from a certain genre not shown in movie houses. Bitch could be a better name for him, i guess. And he'd be happy to it change it if he could.

Joseph is... as real as it gets. No pretensions, no bullshit. I guess that's what I miss about him. He'll say what he want when he want to. A no-nonsense kind of guy. He's my reality checker, the guy that slaps you in the face and you would thank him for doing it. He's the guy that calls me bitch and I actually love it. He's also very opinionated and very hard to be persuaded. I guess he has the right to. When at times we have opposite opinion on things, which happens all the time, he usually ends up being correct. But of course i don't let him know that. He still has to work on his victory dance.

Joseph's carefree yet responsible. I don't know how he does that. Maybe he's just grown up. Oh yeah he tells me to do all the time, to grow up. He definitely had the experience, he doesn't lack the drama in life. Oh no sir, if you want drama, ask a little piece of Joseph and you will be so sorry you did. And yet he comes around like living is the most wonderful thing in the world. And that's what he made realize. And as the fool that I am, I actually believe that shit. I still do. And will always do. And I don't care if I'm a fool for believing that.

I haven't seen him in a while or talked to him. He's busy grazing on a greener pasture, I guess. Or just enjoying his sweet time with new fishes in a whole new ocean *wink*. I never did thank him for this friendship so I guess this is how I do it. So... thank you, bitch.

I've changed since I met Joseph. I'm not sure he'd say the same. Haha. I guess we just have to argue about that. But I really hope I win this time. I have a better victory dance.

my-heart-is-touched kinda thing

Let me get really crappy and stuff here for once.

I cried! I can't believe I really cried! I mean with real tears. And real my-heart-is-touched kinda thing. It was truly awesome! I haven't cried in years. I'm not exaggerating. Sure I get lonely at times but... you know... big girls don't cry. Hahaha.

I was watching this movie Armageddon. No, I didn't feel sad and I definitely didn't think the world's going to end. At least not in this lifetime. But what got me crying is I guess the humanity of it all, you know what I mean? I don't even think I chose the right word but what I'm trying to say is it's the feeling of being human. For one being so vulnerable and powerless. Like we're this tiny speck of dust in, say, the desert. Like all of sudden everything that we ever live for seem so pointless. Now I'm not trying to go into that whole religion thing. That's way off of what I'm trying to get at.

So you ask what my point is? My point is... what I'm tying to say is... that we're pointless. Kidding. I guess my point is that I just haven't found my purpose yet. Maybe that's because I didn't read the book called The Purpose-Driven Life. Hahaha. My mom's practically begging me when she first got it. Oprah's going to be sooo mad at me. But that was the question, wasn't it? What on earth am I here for? I guess you can say I'm not very religious. Honestly, I can't say I am. So that wouldn't satisfy my question. I know it did to some people and I'm happy for them. I don't know why I just can't find myself in on that thing.

Who knows when I'll ever figure it out. Tomorrow, maybe, or next month or year, or never. It's sad, I know, but I pretty much don't care right now. Or I guess I do since I cried, I dunno. I guess I'm just the "live for the moment" kind of man. Yeah, I did say that things we live for may not so be important when that time comes but that's what's important to me NOW! So I'm human, sue me! A lot of people may not find me agreeable but hey I'm just being honest. But time has this funny way of changing people. I mean I may be the stuff of legends in the future. Who knows? Maybe there'll be a global killer where in that time the only thing that could save mankind is a fabulous interior design which only I could do. I guess I'll be a slave of time for now.

But enough about me, how about you? What's your purpose?

pillow talk

I don't want to kiss my pillow goodnight anymore.

I've been doing that a lot. Of course it doesn't kiss back. It's a pillow! And that sucks. And that's cold. So my pillow sucks AND is still cold. Now that's just cruel!

I can Imagine my pillow talking to his pillowing buddy...

(In my bed lit by the moon outside before bedtime)
PILLOWING BUDDY: I saw Mikki kissed you last night.
MY PILLOW: (looking embarrassed) Oh, you did?
PILLOWING BUDDY: Yyyup! And the night before that, and the night before the night before that, and...
MY PILLOW: Okay, you can stop now, thank you! Yeah, he's been doing that a lot lately. So what?
PILLOWING BUDDY: Boy, he must really like you!
MY PILLOW: (sighs) It seems that way... unfortunately...
PILLOWING BUDDY: You seem upset about that.
MY PILLOW: Gee, you have great observation skills.
PILLOWING BUDDY: I know! But What's wrong with that?
MY PILLOW: (sighs) Nothing... just forget it.
PILLOWING BUDDY: Oh come on, buddy! You can't keep it all inside. It's going to shrivel up all your feathers! You can trust me, all right?
MY PILLOW: You promise not to tell the other pillows?
PILLOWING BUDDY: My zippers are zipped tight!
MY PILLOW: Okay... you see... I'm starting to really like Mikki.
PILLOWING BUDDY: Oh yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about! Sorry... go on.
MY PILLOW: Don't you see? It's wrong and it's pointless and it's...
PILLOWING BUDDY: Oh come on, don't say that! It's not wrong to care for someone. I mean he seems like a nice guy.
MY PILLOW: Yeah, he is, isn't he? Every night, when he lays down his head on me, I can't help myself. I feel so stuffed, like my feathers can do no wrong. And when he hugs me, my feathers just fly around inside of me, you know? I like the feeling of his hair against my pillow case. (smiles to himself) I don't even care when he drools on me. I have grown to love his drool. You know how weird that is?
PILLOWING BUDDY: Man, you got it bad!
MY PILLOW: I'm just scared... that someday, he might find a better pillow. I know I won't be so stuffed forever. I saw him watching TV the other day and his face... it lit up when they showed this scented pillow. Chamomile, or something.
PILLOWING BUDDY: Yeah, I know those. Evil little critters. I dated one of them rose-scented once. I cared for her and she just tore my stitch. i lost a lot of feathers because of that pillow. I never did get those feathers back.
MY PILLOW: (chuckling) Yeah, I noticed you got a little less stuffed after that. (both chuckles). So you see, I can't care for Mikki. Because he'll just throw me away for some chamomile-scented pillow. I may just end up being with his dog, or worse he may just play with me until my stitch tear open and my feathers scatter everywhere.
PILLOWING BUDDY: His mom would never let that happen.
MY PILLOW: His mom never goes inside his room, remember? That's why I can't care for Mikki. I don't want to get hurt.
(door creeks open)
PILLOWING BUDDY: Oh here he is.
MY PILLOW: I'm sorry, Mikki...

So... that is why I don't want to kiss my pillow goodnight anymore.

i call it living

this blogging thing is getting to me. me like eet!

After leaving Manila, I'm now living in a suburb five and a half miles away from town. The place is called Grandview Heights and I'm at 1 Chrysanthemum (If you're visiting, bring something nice ^_^). It's at the foot of a mountain called Isarog. The place has about five hundred people. Across a creek is a settlement for supposedly poor families. Supposedly, since while the place is called Urban Poor (so it doesn't really take a rocket scientist to figure out their social status), most houses are actually bigger than ours. They're actually bigger than all the houses here at "The Grandview Heights" which is such a paradox. What's more is they call it "Urban Poor" when nothing can be more rural than this. So I guess we just have a better name for a place. I wouldn't want to have an address on my ID saying I live at Urban Poor, Naga City. Come on, let's be truthful, who would want that? I'm not social climbing. It's just that I don't want to be down there either.

Anyway, this place, it's still to grow on me. It's your average sleepy little town. I don't think it's even on a map. Life here is very sedentary. People don't have what I used to, and what I still call life. There's absolutely nothing to give you the slightest amusement. I guess the highlight of the place is the little corner store where teenagers smoke cigarettes and dance on the streets and where mothers exchange stories about where their kids are and how important they are. It's hard not to eavesdrop. They're practically shouting. Every half an hour, the jeepneys would pick up or drop people from town. Those are about the only sounds you can hear. Well, other than dogs and crickets, I mean.

But rural living is great at times. I fell in love with the evening sky here. Nothing could be more serene at night when the only thing you could hear are frogs, crickets and the water at the creek. And your air conditioning unit. It's almost picture perfect when the full moon goes behind a leafless tree. Like the ones you see on postcards. Or at horror movies. You get goosebumps when the cold wind swoops down from the mountain and hits your skin. And when your hair dance in the wind, you get that romantic feeling. So now I know why there are lots of kids in here: no other entertainment plus the background. The perfect recipe for romance. ^_^

I am not a rural person. I live in the outside world. Sure, serenity is great but if serenity happens all the time it gets boring. And I'm not old enough to enjoy that kind of separation from the outside world. I'm young and I live in the now. I love so many things non-rural. I love the crowd at clubs where you have barely a space to move around. I love the sound of techno music on full blast banging against my eardrums. I love to let go and make love to the beat. I love the smell of smoke on my shirt after a night out. I love the taste of alcohol shared with strangers. And I love skin. Lots of skin. I love going to the mall and watching a movie alone so no one else can share my popcorn. I love eating on restaurants where they serve dishes with crazy French, Japanese, Italian or any other names. I love watching people from my coffee table outside Starbucks. I love buying underwear when I don't have anymore to wear because I don't do the laundry. You may call it overindulging. I call it living.

I miss a lot of things I love. I miss my friends, the people that I used to work with, the baristas at Starbucks, the crew at McDonalds and KFC, the waiter at Le Ching and Jack's Loft, the cabbies, the train. I miss the train.

I am not a rural person. Being one is still to grow on me. But for now I guess I just have to exchange the things I love with this evening sky.

april fooled

What!? Another blog entry? Awww... you shouldn't have! ^_^.

I want to tell you about this friend I have. Her name's Lisa. Lisa Loeb. Wahaha. You probably know her. She has these teeny-bopper songs I never get tired of listening to. Anyway, I was watching Grey's Anatomy then I heard her song. I didn't know it was her, actually, until I saw it on the subtitle. ^_^. Then I fell in love with the song. It's called "Fools Like Me" and I though, how appropriate since it was, after all, the first of April which is... all together now... April Fool's Day! Woot-woot!

It wasn't anything special, my day. I guess the best thing that happened that day was that I took a bath. And brushed my teeth. Well, I did have my computer fixed and had a drink with this guy who is my brothers good friend but I didn't even know existed but that happens every day. Of course I'm kidding, sweetheart, I'm no drunk. Now be a dear and pass me another Vodka.

I'm glad Matt came over. That's the guys name. He fixed my computer and we shared a few drinks. But that's not what I'm happy about. I was happy because I wasn't the biggest fool that day. I'm not saying it was him but yeah... yeah, it was pretty much him. The guy got so drunk he was talking about love and his ex and how something is that thing and all sorts of things that I'd rather not tell you since life's too short so I'll spare you the details. He was okay but he was talking guys stuff and that's not really my thing. He harangued of how tight he and my brother are. And my brother I? We're about as tight as water and anything else. Okay that was a lousy simile. I can't think of anything else. And that's a little too exaggerated but the point is, we're not. We talk and stuff but our lives can't be more opposite. He's a police officer (Oh congratulations, brother. He just graduated from PNPA and was top 15 and topped his shooting class. You are awesome, big brother!) and I? I do bad things . We're worlds apart and that's a good thing, you know. He turned out okay, I'm still in construction.

Anyway going back to Matt, I've really nothing else to say. He was cool, I guess. He just needs to be sober. Haha. It's like he's always on something. Hahaha. And I have to thank him for making me realize how much I'm missing out on my family. I've created a world outside of theirs and it was starting to get lonely. I guess it's true when Cye say that at the end of the day, our family is all that we have.

So I guess I'm the bigger fool now.

Damn it, I was trying to avoid painful drama.

But since I'm here, let me not spare you of some more ramblings. I want to go back to my friend Lisa. You should listen to the song. It's catchy, a bit upbeat and it does make sense if you can find yourself in it. Like I did. I'll have uploaded on my iPot (my imeem mediabox on my profile) so you guys can listen to it.

It happens once, it happens many times over. You fall in love and you're not loved back. Now how many times have you heard that story? Bet your fingers are not enough. Some lucky ones get away with it. Even luckier ones haven't gone through it at all but I'm sure they have some stories to tell. Others, like me, get stuck. Until we dig ourselves out of that hole, or as how we usually put it, we get over it. It's an ordeal. Like trying to break through a wall with a toothpick. A low-quality one. Thank god for friends. They usually have the ax or even better, a C4 to break that wall for you.

Now I remember this lady. Once, she was cried uncontrollably. You see, she got herself into that hole. While she was there, hugging me with one hand, holding a bottle of beer on the other, she asked the one thing that became the bedrock, should we say, of how I love a person. She asked, "Hindi naman mali na mahalin sya, diba?" Yeah, it was the alcohol talking. But more importantly, her heart was talking, too. I know this question's such a clichÉ but how can love be so wrong when it feels so right? I mean love... love is a good thing, right? Sheryl Crow even sang a song about that. Everyone knows that's true or at least I'm still to be proven otherwise. And even though I got stuck on that hole myself and got myself out, I still believe it's true. I know how it can make us suicidal at times. It hurts us more than anything. But that's life! And life is so much better with pain. Because it feels so damn good when it doesn't hurt anymore. It's the spice of an otherwise worthless existence. We're human beings. We're entitled to these things. And you know you can't tell me I'm wrong.

Now I'm not saying that we all get ourselves on that hole just to spice our lives up. I'm just saying learn to live with it. I'm saying don't get scared to fall in love. It's the natural order of things. We really can't help ourselves in this matter. We don't choose when to fall in love and who to fall in love with. That's why sometimes you hear people say "right love, wrong time" or you were just probably listening to that Barry Manillow song.

We always give our best when we love because it won't be love otherwise. I know I won't do it any other way. After all that's said and done, life goes on. I feel for those who become suicidal, like my younger brother's ex-girlfriend. She told my mother she'll cut her wrist if they break up. They did. Unfortunately for us, she didn't pull through with her promise. I am such a bastard . Like I said, life goes on. And it's going to make you strong. It's a fact, once you get on board, say goodbye 'cause you can't go back. I love LeAnn Rhimes.

Is it just me or did I just sound like Joe d'Mango up there? Tom Alvarez, maybe? Hahaha.

Wow... leave it to me to ramble about Matt then about Dr. Love stuff all in one entry. And I'm not even drunk! Must be the caffeine. After all, this is "The Coffee Addict's Guide To Coffee Addiction."

Maybe it's the sanest thing
Or just the sweetest kind of dream
But love was surely made for fools like me...

something to that effect

It's 3:48.
I didn't think I could be up this late since earlier I had a few drinks. A few... yeah right. Anyway, since I was doing nothing, I figured I'd update on my blog. It's been a long time since I've done this so there are some things to catch up on. Not for anybody else, really, but for me, since I have no readers anyway. You see this blog is like my Pensive, if you know what that is. My head gets so cluttered sometimes, or most of the time, or actually always, that I just have to organize them. Now that's funny since I don't know how to organize things, except, perhaps, the songs in my iPod.

I'm 20 now. No longer a teenager. All of a sudden things are no longer the same. For one I can no longer use the excuse, "I'm a teenager, I didn't know better." And I can longer joing PBB Teen Edition. Mwahaha. Not that I have any plans on doing that. That was just one of my fantasies when I think of ways to escape my reality.

At this point, I really feel so useless. I quit my job before my birthday. That's the second time now. Why don't I get much satisfaction out of the things I'm doing? It's like I'm' living that Stacie Orrico song "More to Life." I've been listening to that a lot lately. I know I can do so much more than just answer calls and apologize for things I didn't do or cannot do. When I was a kid I didn't wish to be berated and do nothing as if it's not happening. When I was a kid I wanted to do so many things, be so many things. I keep on wondering what happened to my dream of becoming a neuro surgeon or an astronaut or a lawyer or a neuro surgeon-astronaut-lawyer-....

I still have a dream, though. Something more feasible. I want to be an interior-industrial-architectural-landscape-fashion designer. Hahaha. Yeah, I'm a whackjob, I know. Hahaha. Now seriously, interior designing seems to be my thing. And I plan on going to school for that. Yey me!

Then we go back to my dillema! How do I know that once I do this thing, I would want to stick to it? I like it now but who knows what else I would like to do a few blinks after that...?

*smiles*

The I remember Calleigh Duquesne. Thank God I watch tv. She says, "You can't waste your life thinking of the what-ifs." Or something to that effect. Or mabe not, maybe I made that up myself. Now, I really don't suppose I have to elaborate on that. On that quote I mean, not on the making it up part.

Anyway now it's all starting to make sense. Sort of. Haha, I'm just getting tired so I'd cut this short. But seriously, things are looking pretty good.

Except my hair.

a passing fart

How often does it happen that you wake up one morning and you say to yourself, "Shit! This is going to be a bad day!" Maybe once or twice a week? Lucky you. Try seven days a week. And if you wake up in between sleep and then try to sleep again and then wake up again (of course), you're doomed for all eternity, my good man. Doomed, I tell you.

It happens to me every single effin' day. The agony of having to drag myself to the shower and the thought of having to stay stuck in traffic that will have you end up paying more than your money's worth for a stinking taxi ride. And all that trouble just so you could have triple the trouble when I get to the office. Oh this God forsaken company!!! Jesus H Christ!!! It seems that they're always trying to come up with ways to take your money from you. Why don't they just tell their employees straight up in the face that they don't want to give us the money we worked sooo hard on getting. And i's not just about the money, really. It's about the goals they set also! Apparently they see their employees as someone like Donald Trump or somebody that could generate money on a snap of a finger. Oh wait wait wait... that's still about the money.

Howleee.

At least there's one thing less to think about right now. That guy. Yeah, he's out of my system. He used to be like this mushroom that would pop up in my head every two seconds but now he's just a passing fart. Hehe. Hello, dude, if your reading. Yeah were friends. Well, better friends that not have him at all. Surprisingly it was all too easy for me to let go. Maybe beause there wasn't any reciprocation (if that's even a word). I thought I was going to cry and drown myself in my own river of tears (naks!) but there wasn't even a drop. I got to thinking, was I really in love with him? It hurt a bit but even if it was just a simple crush it would've felt the same. But crushes don't last long. For me at least. I'd have a crush on somebody for five or six second then the next thing, he's nothing. A passing fart. I just love to say that. Maybe it was an infatuation. Or maybe not. Who knows? I mean who knows exactly whether what one is feeling infatuation or the real thing.

This is getting extensive. I'm going to cut it here. But if anybody has an answer to that question up there, tell me. I beg you. Haha.

I was thinking of getting myself a lover. Yech. That word makes me vomit. Well, better that than "the one who completes me" and "my destiny" or what shit. I hope my mom is not reading this.

All interested applicants, apply inside.



God I hope my mom is not reading this.

parokyano

Ako si Mickel.

Call boy.

Marami akong nagiging customer gabi gabi. Bumebenta rin kahit papano. May mayaman na kostumer, may mahirap, may babae pero mas marami ang lalake. Maraming maraming lalake.

Nubenta y nuebe porsyento sa kanila foreigner. Ibig sabihin dolyar. Dolyar na pinanglalamon ko sa sarili ko. Dolyar na hindi ko makukuha sa ibang paraan.

Pero minsan nagagalit sila pag hindi ko sila napapaligaya. Ang hirap hirap nilang paligayahin. Dapat sagad. Dapat mong itodo talaga kung hindi aayawan ka. Idudura ka at maghahanap ng iba.

Hay...

Mabuti na lang may mga araw na napapahinga ko rin ang sarili ko. Lunes at Biyernes. Pahinga ko naman ang katawan ko na sobrang gamit na gamit na... pagod na pagod na. Nangangayayat na ako. Pero cge padin ng sige na parang hindi napapagod kahit sa katotohanan ay minsan ayaw ko na. Hindi na ako maligaya sa mga pinag gagagawa ko sa sarili ko. Halimbawa ng pagtiis ko ang gutom kasi baka makuha ang kostumer na sana ay akin na lang. Maraming isda ang nasa aking dagat. Nagpapasikip ng mundo ko.

Naghihintay na lang ako ng himala na magaalis sa putik na kinalalagyan ko ngayon. Pagod na ako.

Pagod na pagod.

Maghahanap na ako ng ibang Call Center

the confession

alcohol flows
down
     down
          down
hits the bottom of your guts
then turns around and goes up your head
slowly
     seeping into every vein
          every nerve
               your very being
drowning senses
drowning logic
drowning cowardice
     you act crazy
          you speak stupid
               you spill out your secrets and you dinner
and now he knows
you're doomed.

screaming silence

i lay
listening to the sound of your breathing
as your chest rise and fall
you stare at the empty ceiling
still breathing
i wish you'd stop being silent
i wish you'd stop being blind
or maybe i should just wish for you to finally stop breathing
maybe then you will finally hear the sound of my cry